Nothing Existential, Just Angst

This is how it works: I’m stressing out about my hair and I’m presented with a dead body.

Yeah, I like living a low-maintenance lifestyle. I hate using product in my hair. I hate having to do more than run a comb through it when I get out of the shower. A few days ago I got a new haircut and yes, it requires a little bit of work. That, alone, was driving me nuts. The hair doesn’t hold up to an active lifestyle, and constantly needs to be dealt with, which bugs me even more. But if I have to put effort into it, it should at least look good. It doesn’t, because, you know, active lifestyle, gets messed up. Gah. Annoying.

Then I’m getting off the bus and walk right up to a homeless guy who’s apparently frozen to death, right as the paramedics pull up and start working on him. Perspective. Who freakin’ cares about hair? My Buddhist friends will talk about being in tune with myself and my surroundings, my Atheist friends will talk about coincidence and pattern recognition and making connections where there are none, and my religious friends will see G-d speaking to me because I’ve been quiet and still and open enough to listen. Does it matter where these little epiphanies come from? Well, in some sense, yeah, but let’s not lose focus on the importance of having these realizations that help course-correct along the journey of life.

It’s not about hair, of course. It’s about everything. All of it. Every petty niggling thing that’s bugging me and keeping me from moving forward. With the exception of the hair, most of what takes up too many process cycles in my brain is concern about people. Who needs help. How is this person going to react to this news. How is that person going to get through whatever it is they’re going through. In most cases, the people I stress over the most are the ones who either refuse to acknowledge they have a problem, or admit there’s a problem but won’t do anything. Sometimes they won’t acknowledge that it’s their problem, or that they can do anything about it, and lay all responsibility at the feet of others. Sometimes they’re just so invested in their behaviors and habits, even when they know those things are harmful, that they don’t want to move away from them in spite of the consequences.

I obsess over these people. My closest friends will attest to this. I will spend days talking about nothing other than a single person, looking for strategies and inroads to get them help, means to hold up a mirror and show them that they need help, looking for the kernel of advice I can give them that they might respond to. Of course, that way lies madness. My friend Stuart constantly reminds me that I cannot save them all. My friends who are in recovery remind me of the Serenity Prayer. At some point, I need to let go, let them fall, and move on until and unless they ask for my help.

Yesterday I was wearing a Superman shirt. Katie said it was appropriate. I said I wore it ironically, because so many people look at me as if I’m a superhero. Yeah, I joke about being a superhero. I’m not. My back was killing me all day. I felt like Tony Randall in an episode of The Odd Couple, where he throws out his back and can’t stand up straight. Superhero? No. Middle-aged guy with a bad back. Here, also, I apparently require perspective. Katie points out that it’s my world view that makes me a superhero. We discuss it. I had a quote from the Desert Fathers on my white board for a long time, one that echoes a lot of Buddhist wisdom. It was along the lines of, when you’re hungry, sleep, when you’re tired, sleep. I extend this to some of the people I’m currently worried about, and confused by. If you’re sad, seek things that make you happy. If you’re lonely, seek the company of others. If you need money, find a way to make money. I don’t see things as un-doable. I have this bottom-line, Occam’s Razor mind that oversimplifies things. She reminds me that most people don’t think this way. I tell her that I don’t understand why they don’t.

Here we are back at the Four Noble Truths, which I paraphrase as this: suffering exists, the cause of suffering can be identified, in identifying the cause you can find a way to stop it, now go stop the suffering. No, it’s not as easy as it sounds, but I’ve found it to be a pretty straightforward road to happiness. Knowing that these steps exist helps; if I’m suffering, I know there’s a way out. If I know what the problem is, I know I can solve it. Even if I’m still in suffering, I know relief can be had. Yes, I believe that all problems have solutions, but there’s a deeper philosophy there.

Part of the issue, going back to my worry about the suffering of others, is listening to people bitch about their problems when those problems are the direct result of their own choices — or refusal to make choices. I think I’m probably judgmental here, forgive me, but I’m more often confused. If you know, if you know, that doing this one thing will at least lessen the severity of the problem if not eliminate it entirely, and you make a conscious decision to not do that thing, then you forfeit the right to complain about it. If you know, you truly, consciously know, that doing something is only going to stir the pot and increase the drama, then you forfeit the right to gripe when it blows up in your face. I assume that when people bitch about something, they’d like to fix it. I forget, I lose perspective, that some people just get mired in their own misery, some people try to lessen their own misery by spreading misery to others, some people just somehow enjoy the misery and the drama that it brings. Drama and misery fill the void, the void that could be filled by some sort of happiness that they don’t believe in or somehow think is well beyond their grasp.

If there’s a point to this ramble — and I’ll leave it up to you to decide that — it would be this: perspective needs to be maintained. People are like the hair; why am I putting effort into it if there’s no payoff? Why am I devoting energy there, when there are other things that would better benefit from my attention? Why am I making myself miserable for the sake of people who aren’t going to be happy? It’s true of anything, really. Prioritize. Find balance. Try to make everything you do count for something.